cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Pants are for mortals
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
