I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want to be your penis for a week.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
