I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
