White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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