my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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