i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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