I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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