i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
