On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
