if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
