I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
