May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
