I wannas sexs uuuuu
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
