I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
