You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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