Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
