Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
