Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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