I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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