My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
