This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
