I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
