Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
