you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
