My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
And then he peed in my hair
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
