I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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