They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
