i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
