Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
