Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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