our cab driver is having phone sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
