i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
