Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
