I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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