Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
