i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
