All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
