guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
North Korea, Best Korea!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask