If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!