Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
