I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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