Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
