I wish they made helmets for livers.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
