I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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