I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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