I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
