so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
