I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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