Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
