I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
