her vagina looked like bernie madoff
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
