: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
