i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
